It’s been over a few weeks since I last posted anything online. For me, it’s another reminder of a failure to launch anything and keep it going consistently.
I’m trying to change that.
I want to blame the media for this, but, considering that the only news I get is from Facebook and my work, I’m realizing it is not the problem.
I get depressed. I cram a lot of stuff on my plate, and put myself into such a destructive state that I am unable to accomplish simple and not so simple tasks. The affect is just sitting around pointing out every flaw to every task that I am thinking of at the time, or sleeping to avoid having to pick one task to work on, or jumping back onto social media and spending hours just staring at the screen, looking at videos and .gifs and birthday reminders and motivational quotes and, and, and…well, you get the idea.
I have been keeping an idea book for the last eight years that has been the culmination of things that I have created in my mind that I want to make for the last (almost) twenty years. The reasons none of it has been completed? I don’t know where to start and I don’t have some of the education to start on it.
I never finished school. First, I wanted to be an actor. Then, I wanted to make video games, and then I wanted to make cartoons, and then comics, and now, I want to be an author, and maybe own a brewery. But, most of all, I want to create not only “something”, but a name for myself.
That’s a big dream. One that I have never given up on. And, I have the greatest people in my life supporting my dreams. But, even they can’t help me, because when it all boils down to it, it’s all on me. I have to do this for me.
So, yeah, I’m struggling a little. No, a lot, and I know that I will be told that I am not alone in all of this, but, when you have depression, no matter what, you will always feel alone.
It’s scary. And, if you’re not careful, you pile on so many things and overwhelm yourself, placing you into a state of madness, where the darkness takes over, and you think of ways to make it all go away. And, trust me, they are never “good” ways.
I’ve been down that path before, and I’m lucky I made it out the way I did. Some people aren’t so lucky.
Wow. This got dark. How can I turn this around?
My wife reminds me that our life we have is the new “normal” for us, the way things are for our family, and I have and will continue to learn new ways to cope. So far I have, but everyday is another experience, another emotion, another hill to climb.
So, where do I go from here? I’m just taking it one day at a time. That’s all I can do.
And don’t drown.