One credit.

As I sit here this early morning, I listen to clip after clip of audiobooks–all that I have placed into a ”wish list” of sorts–trying to decide what the best option is for me.

Do I go with my fan favorite Palahniuk? Or, do I go with a novel to help me dredge through its 400+ pages, filled with satire and philosophy of its time, as well as remind us of who we are, or were?

I have two instruction manuals on writing, helping to remind me that I still keep looking for a ”holy grail.” The one thing that will make my story magically appear on the page/screen.

Then, I realize that I’m searching for someone’s voice. Kind of like how an artist has a certain style–same as musicians–I was trying to find a voice.

My voice.

It takes writing it out, making lists, talking to yourself, to realize that you had your voice all along. Your attempts at trying to mimic one’s style bring you back to what you have done this entire time…write. Writing with your own voice, your own details, your ”panache.”

I’ve struggled for years to suddenly realize that I’ve actually practiced honing my craft into my own work. I’ve sounded like a child as well as a mother in fake reviews and it was believable. So good that the client gave me glowing praise for that was what they wanted. Was it dirty work? Yeah. I lied to consumers for a paycheck, and the worst part was that I received no credit from it. I was anonymous.

Now, I look through the list of audiobooks, struggling–beating my head against the wall–because it’s my only credit. I won’t get another one for a while, and I need to make it count.

So, what’ll it be? Palahniuk? Vonnegut? Books that are so descriptive and diverse that you can throw a stick into it and still not hit a wall? Books rifled with sex to fill some void, as a man, I think I need? New genres that I’ve discovered that will possibly entertain me more? Or, do I get another self-help/reference book, to continue to find my voice, which, after reading this, I’ve already found.

I think it’s clear.

It’s the self-help book.

No, I’m kidding. I no longer need the help.

I got this.