I’ve been afraid to come back here.

A lot has changed since I last logged onto I Fart Online, and I needed some time to get my shit together.

Consider my shit “somewhat” together.

Why the absence?

I think it’s been well over two and a half weeks since I was fired. Or, I quit. It all depends on who you ask.

Anyway, for many years, I’m thinking more than just two years now, I have struggled to work in the workplace. I mentally had issues where I would be afraid to go in because I was, or am, terrified the world is out to get me. I also have trust issues, and I keep the people that I can trust to a bare minimum. Although, at times, I slip, and I either believe another person too much, or I let my anger out too much that it becomes a burden.

For the last two years, my family has dealt with the brunt of my anger. I come home after a long day, and my fuse is so short that I’m yelling at my wife or taking out my frustration on my daughter.

Neither one of them deserves that.

I struggled with stress, anger, trust, deception, psychosis — you name it, I was suffering with it.

I tried to hide what was going on to the best of my ability, but as of late, I couldn’t. I was missing a lot of work, whether it be from mental issues or physical health diminished by other medications that I take knocking my immune system down. People at work lost their faith in me. A lot of people stated that they couldn’t trust me on my last peer review.

Let’s stop for a moment and talk about peer reviews. How do they help when your management is telling you, “Don’t worry about what it says. It does not reflect your work here at [insert company name here].” Then, when you start reading what people have to say, 95% of it is all negative comments. Your coworkers have a problem with you. It is evident as you’re reading what they have to say. How does this help with morale? Moreso, how does this help with continually working with your coworkers when you don’t know why they dislike you so much.

Peer reviews suck and should be removed from the workplace. Either that or only show your employee the positive things they have to say, especially if it doesn’t count towards how you are doing in the office setting. Maybe then there would be less animosity between coworkers.

Just a thought. Back to what I was talking about before the whole “peer review” thing.

As I stated before, the number of days that I was unable to get my sorry, depressed, mentally unstable ass out of bed and be an adult was growing exponentially. My coworkers may or may not have had any idea what was going on, but they weren’t happy about it. And, they let me know. They even attacked me for using social media.

People can be hurtful when they feel that you are screwing with them. Understandably so. I would probably be frustrated and angry too, but over the years, I have learned to try and put myself in the other person’s shoe and see their side of it. It started when I was working in retail, and there were these two brothers. The older one became more distant over time, and after a while, he killed himself by hanging from a tree.

It gets worse.

The younger brother, over time, becomes distant too. Eventually, he does the exact same thing that his older sibling did, and killed himself from the same tree in the same way.

Looking back at the situation, they missed work, but we were in a setting where there was a large team of people, and if one person was missing for a day or two, it was no big deal. We dealt with it. But, it made me realize that we didn’t know what was going on with the first brother, and when the second became somber and nonsociable, I wondered what went on through the second brother’s head. I did what I could, but he pushed everyone away. I guess it was his way of not hurting anybody, at least in his mind.

So, when it came to my work as of recently, my stability became questionable, especially when no one was looking but my family and doctors.

I did what I had to for me, and not for anyone else. I needed to start becoming healthy for myself and my family.

Now, I am unemployed. Things are a lot harder now, but we are starting to get prepared for this. The downside to not having a job is the lack of extra income. To balance that situation, my wife has agreed to take a part-time job through the seasonal time of year.

It’s not something I’m happy about, but I’m supposed to be getting healthy, so she made me understand that this is okay. It’s not my fault.

The pros of not having to go to work are that I can finally focus on something that I’m very passionate about — my writing. I can finally work on stories that have built up for months, if not years, and I can also look into turning my content writing into a career writing for businesses.

I have learned that there is a market for writers like me to write content for companies, whether it be web content or scripts for media or even manuals that need updating. And, I don’t need to have prior knowledge of the business, just a willingness to learn.

I started my own company. At least for the moment. It may have a million changes in names, logos, etc., or it may tank. But, you know what, I get to work from the safety of my home, and get my feelings and psychoses and what else under control, and maybe one day, if I decide that working from home is not working for me and I can enter the workplace again, I will. But, until then, I’m on a different path, and hopefully, it is one that will have a positive result to my mental stability.

I’ll be honest. I almost quit I Fart Online entirely. I was shutting down and removing anything that could cause me mental anguish. But, my wife reminded me that I need to write, to get the thoughts in my head out.

Do I choose to do it publicly? Yeah. Why? Because I want people to listen; to realize that there is more in front of them. To make people understand that there is a stigma with mental illness. I’ve talked about suicide. I want people to know that there are some of us who are always hurting and we do a damn good job of hiding it when necessary, but sometimes that’s a bad thing too. I don’t hate my previous workplace. I loved it. I learned so many things from not only the doctors but from the people I worked alongside. I would never change that for the world. But, I can’t comfortably work in an environment that would at times be toxic, not necessarily to me, but just overall. It wears on a person like me. And, when we let things slide as much as businesses do to keep workers, for a person like me, that wears on me too.

“But everywhere is like that, no matter where you go.”

Yeah, I know, which is why my current setting makes sense. Is it going to be hard? Yeah. Are my wife and daughter standing behind me in making sure that what I’m doing is the right thing for my health? Yeah. Even my closest friends are standing behind me and watching out for me.

I talk a lot about me. This is my online journal. But, I don’t want anyone to be afraid to reach out if they feel the same, or if they need someone to talk to. If you are hurting, and you are a stranger, I know a lot of resources that I can point you in the right direction. And, if you are people that I know through social media, or I have met in person, and need someone to talk to right now because life sucks and we all have to stick together, reach out and talk to me. I am not afraid to lend a hand when I can.

Well, honey, I did it. I wrote for the first time in a long time. And, yes, it did feel good to get things off my chest.

I’m climbing back on the saddle again.

Once I get another cup of coffee.