I’m typing this with noise-canceling headphones, you know, the kind that you would see at the racecar tracks, the red and black ones, so people aren’t bothered by the roaring noises of the vehicles. I got them from my late stepfather, and I normally would use them if there were crazy kids running around the house.
Today is different. My daughter has a friend over, they are being quite peaceful, and it is really pleasant in the house. So, the question is, “Why am I wearing them?”
Honestly, I thought it would be louder. When I realized it wasn’t, I continued to read my book, Philip K. Dick’s “The Man In The High Castle,” which I am thoroughly enjoying.
What I noticed was that I was able to concentrate more. There were very little outside noises; I believe one of the dogs gave little dominant barks, but nothing too loud. I found I was meditating while I was reading, which helped keep track of what I was reading, but also keep myself from getting frustrated or mad because of a lack of concentration. It is wonderful.
So far, I have left them on for two hours. I have left them on because I have needed to privacy of my thoughts to clear from my mind. You see, this morning, I was irrational, a product of my mental instability. I could not keep it under control, and I had to continue to apologize to my wife for starting fights or getting onto her for things that did not need to be fixed. She knew something was wrong, she just needed me to realize it.
I’m going to be seeing a new psychiatrist in a few weeks, and I will eventually be told I will need to see a psychologist as well to work on coping mechanisms. You would think after twenty years of seeing both psychiatrists and psychologists and being taught many different coping mechanisms that some of them would stick.
Nope. I mean, I’m better, and I do have specific coping mechanisms that I have created to alleviate certain problems, but there are times that I can’t catch myself, and those are the times that everyone seems to remember. It’s frustrating to go through the same behavioral modifications to fix a 20+ year problem.
I’m not saying that it is not possible to have a change. I have changed as a person over the last several years, but the previous two years have been challenging for me. My psychosis seems to have a mind of its own lately, and it is harder to keep it under control. I have bouts of depression and irrationality that I can’t seem to stay under better control. It is very frustrating.
But, this zen-like state that I am feeling right now is so great that I don’t want it to stop, but I can’t hide like this forever. The shields will have to come down, and I will have to face life again, even if I don’t want to.
Oh well. I guess I have to face the music sometime.