It’s been two days since I got the Fitbit Versa. The only difference in today versus yesterday is that I have not logged very much food today because I spent most of the day eating out or having unhealthy food. Yesterday, I ate better but did not walk as far. I think it all boils down to willpower.

If I had more willpower, I could say “no” to eating worse, and “yes” to exercise by either walking more or doing some sort of exercising activity. Sadly, I can’t seem to get past the medications flowing through my system to be less sedentary than some others.

The argument to all of this is that it has only been trying actively to lose weight and work out more over the last few days. I’ve had since my last physical to work out more. Last time I had my levels checked, I was overweight, my A1C was slightly above the norm, and one of my other levels was slightly above where it should be. It’s nothing to be too concerned about, but since my physical, and especially lately, I have not been healthy and active to bring those numbers back to safe levels.

I only worry because I have a hard time saying “no” to sugars. I love sweets. I love the satisfaction of chocolate, the feeling of euphoria with ice creams and cakes, and the feeling of liquor on my brain (since those have sugars in them too).

I am over 70 pounds past what is supposed to be my actual body weight for a person my height. The closest I’ve been to that number was probably three or four years ago when I was trying to lose weight, and I got my weight to 200 lbs. Problem was, I plateaued. I couldn’t get further past that point, no matter how good I was eating. And, I was walking everyday for at least 30 minutes, but that did not seem enough.

Something has to give. I don’t want to rid my house of sweets and drinks because that is not fair to my family who has a great deal more willpower than me. I want to learn that, in this instance, “no means no.” I have to tell myself that it is terrible for me. I was about to say that I don’t have the motivation to better myself, but that is not true. I got the watch to monitor myself; to make sure that I would be accountable for my food choices. I need to work harder.

Am I being hard on myself? Sure. Anyone who dreams of being healthier when they are not is going to be hard on themselves. They are the ones sitting in their room with the pint of ice cream, crying to themselves as to why they can’t stop. Why they won’t stop.

And yes, I am exaggerating. That’s my “schtick.”

Tomorrow is another day. I will wake up (probably around 4:00 am in the morning), try to avoid all sweets and food to satisfy a hunger that is not there, make some coffee, and wait until my family wakes up and see them off to work and school. Then, try to keep my mind off of starvation that, once again, is not there. Eat lunch at a reasonable time, go walking with family, and try to either focus on my writing or read a book. I think the important thing right now is to make good food choices, and then once I have that down, start with the more strenuous exercise.

When I get to that plateau, however, that is when I need to change strategies and fight my way past so I can get to my ideal weight. Like talking to a psychologist, I don’t like paying for someone to help me with this. I would instead do this without spending money on someone to tell me what I am supposed to do when I can figure that out on my own. I’m stubborn that way.

I guess that is the reason why I want to switch out this Green Lantern ring with the Blue Lantern ring. The blue spectrum, in the DC Universe, stands for “hope.” That is what I want right now more than anything is hope. Hope that I can beat my weight problems, and hope that I can beat, or at least manage, my mental health problems.

Let someone else save the world. I just want to survive.

“In fearful day, in raging night,
With strong hearts full, our souls ignite,
When all seems lost in the War of Light,
Look to the stars– For hope burns bright!”

— Ganthet and Sayd, Blue Lantern Oath