I thought I had a complete breakthrough in my life and it was changing. Everything was looking up and I was more positive than I have in ages.
Then, Thursday hit. I woke up that morning, and, frankly, I was exhausted. I felt as the famous line from the Silverhawks cartoon outtake, “I feel like I’ve been shot at and missed and shit at and hit.”
I need a t-shirt for that. You know who you are. Let’s work on that.
They don’t read these posts anyway, so I will probably text them. Oh well.
Yeah. Thursday I was exhausted from all of the productivity that I put myself through over what seemed like a week. From what my daughter says, it was four days. I argue with her and tell her five. We’re probably both right in some way.
I just didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. I couldn’t work on anything because I was unable to focus. It was hard. I had difficulty seeing straight trying to read, I tried to see if I could write anything, whether it was notes for a story or a blog post. I think I even tried to change the look of a blog site.
By the way, the site, not this one, looks like total dog shit now. I have a lot of work to do. Fuck. #firstworldproblems
Thursday night, my mood got the best of me. My family knew what was wrong with me, but I wasn’t able to see it. It turns out that I was tired. They left me alone and let me rest.
Probably for the best.
Friday, as every Friday that appears on the fucking calendar, is what we call in our family “Methotrexate Day.” It happens every week, and along with all the other meds I take, I pop eight of those fuckers into my system and reek the benefits of having an upset stomach, no appetite, and after I take a second gabapentin for the day, about three to four hours of uninterrupted sleep.
It’s really miserable. I hate Fridays like people dread Mondays. For me, I chose to possibly fuck up doing anything my weekend depending on how it affects me, or I can beat the non-beneficial benefits of the effects of the medicine.
Once again, not much was done. And, I could give two shits about trying to do anything enjoyable on a Friday anyway.
Saturday was an interesting beast. I got paid from a company I do weekly surveys for and sometimes even trying a new product that hasn’t hit the market. It pays shit, but at the end of the month, I get $12, and if I wasn’t so blind and stupid about holding onto the goddamn money, I could have $144 at the end of the year.
I spend it on ebooks, digital comics/manga, or video games whether it be an actual cheap game or an in-game purchase. The good news was, as I said in my last post, I quit online gaming on my mobile phone because it was affecting me mentally. I am striving to be healthy. I don’t want another fifteen to thirty years of my life wasted on being having mental issues that I can’t seem to break.
I realized, which I am sure I have mentioned before, that I believe my meds are affecting me negatively. I think they are affecting the way I see things. I am on so many, and I have looked at the side effects–suicidal thoughts, mood swings, anger, or worse. They could even ruin me systemically. I don’t know about you, but that can’t be safe anymore.
I also believed my doctors have just continued to come up with reasons why I am acting this way or this way when I go to my semi-monthly visits. That is why I am going to do something very hard.
I am going to ask for a reset. I want to start over. I’m not saying take all my medications all out of my system at once, but I would like to ween my medications off one by one, and then when we are finally ready to start over, we do it right this time. We look and see what my real factors are, not just diagnose me with everything under the sun.
I’m probably going to be hospitalized. I won’t know how long or how many times. It will depend on how we have to tackle each of these transitions. It’s funny. I quit posting all these things publicly. I wonder if anyone reads any of this and says, “Yeah. I’m going through the same thing. I’m glad I’m not alone.” Hell, the only reason I had to disable the comments was the spam that was attacking me.
And I can’t take the taste of Spam.
Shit. I just realized I started ranting and forgot the point I was trying to make. Saturday, it was early in the morning. In the Midwest, it’s snowing now this winter (’bout damn time!), and I was itching to download the games I removed myself from due to the toxicity of each, and I was eagerly trying to find a replacement on my phone, and then I almost thought about downloading the games again.
I knew I couldn’t do that. So, I turned to the current game system that I am digging for it’s huge indie community, and that is the Nintendo Switch. I knew it was time for new sales, so I was checking the list. I saw some promising titles, as well as some that were on my wish list.
I had some money in my PayPal account from my last gig with said company from earlier, and so I thought maybe I should by a game. Then, I knew I had a lot of games that I needed to play and so I decided to get out of the eShop and play the games I already owned.
It’s Sunday. I bought three games for the Switch that were on sale that I used both my gig money and an Amazon credit that I changed to a digital eShop credit.
I am an addict.
Speaking of addiction, I realized the real reason my pills are locked away from me. I threaten at times to take my life, and I’m in a depressive place at the time where that makes sense, but when it all boils down to it, I don’t want to die. That would suck. I know it would, and that’s probably the reason why I haven’t done it most of the times I made the threats. But, I do feel that there were a few that I truly did.
The real reason that my meds and most unsafe meds are locked away is I’m an addict by nature. I smoked because my friends and my dad smoked. I drank because I wanted to get drunk. I brew beer because I wanted to get drunk.
My dad is a recovering alcoholic. I think he’s getting close to twenty years sober now. What a goddamn achievement. You should get the key to the city for that. The difference between my father’s addiction problem and my addiction problem is that I have better control of it. Also, I now have reasons in my life that stop me from succumbing to alcohol or smoking anything.
The methotrexate stopped the alcohol completely. If I drink, I could fuck my liver ten ways to today, and we don’t want that. I have acquired allergic asthma now, so cigarettes or anything that would be harmful to my lungs would put me into the beginning of an asthma attack, and there was one occurrence that I had of an attack and I don’t want to go through that again. That was scary because I was alone at the time.
Now, getting back to the complete point of this post was my productivity. I think I am going to need to look at maybe starting a four-day “productivity” week, like some countries have a four day work week, and try that at first until I can figure out how to push the barrier. Then I might be able to push towards a five, six or everyday schedule that is productive.
It’s a start.