What stops us from letting go of the past? Or, what prevents us from changing 100%? Is it our mind? Or, is it our environment?

I feel like I am consistently asking myself those difficult questions, and not able to find an answer for myself. Again, I bring up the concept of coping mechanisms because I have tried over the years, and I seem to end in the same place over and over.

The last two days have had a difficulty of level 10. I have tried this morning to wrap my head around it, and come up with dead ends everywhere I look. My wife has dealt with the brunt of my psychosis, dealing with an irrational man who is yelling and confused because he is feeling like he is being yelled at first.

I keep feeling like I’m defending myself. But, from what? She tells me nothing was different the two times that I thought she attacked me, but I saw them differently. It is like being in the looking glass and everything is topsy-turvy. I just want to feel normal.

It was pointed out to me that there is no “normal”. Then, why do I see it on a daily basis? Why is it that I see happy people–no, not the ones that are modeled to look happy–but the writers, business people, teachers, etc. Some of them appear to be very happy. Am I to believe that the world is that crappy that everyone is living a facade? That, when it really comes down to it, I will NEVER be happy?

I feel like if I was my own boss, or finished a short story or a book and had it published, I would be happy. The joy of accomplishment would fulfill me. I’m feeling now like that would be shortlived, as the pain and suffering of my mental disability would cause me to be depressed, manic, angry–all the colors of the mood rainbow.

I want to be happy. Not 100% of the time, but maybe 80-85% of the time. Is that possible for someone like me? Or, will I be plagued to forever live this vicious cycle of emotions that may one day take me with them, never to return again?

I know some of you were hoping for a minimalism post, or a happy post, or something that didn’t have me questioning the laws of the mind and bring you down to my level.

I just needed to talk, and the fact that I don’t have a psychologist to talk to, not that I want to pay money for, and I don’t have a group where the people there have it worse than me, you people will have to do.

Just read, and nod your head. That’s all I ask.

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